By Thomas Caterer
Jake’s hands were getting shaky. Jittering again, a memory stitched into the veins of his fingers. A reflex. His eyes darted to the dregs of his black coffee. He drained it. No good. Tomorrow’s lecture notes, threadbare on a mockingly bright laptop screen. A cobbled together slide show. He yawned exasperatedly. His once handsome face was taut. Skin pulled back tight by wires, and his eyes blood red, thick dark circles underneath. His mind conjured the image of Alex from A Clockwork Orange when he was in that chair.
‘Daddy!’ cried Caitlin. He would have to go see to her. Because she wasn’t here anymore. Deep down he knew Caitlin would probably be more comforted by her, but now he was the best she had.
‘Daddy!’ she was crying through thick sobs. ‘Where is he?’
Jake clambered up the stairs to Caitlin’s room. She was five years old, with her mother’s face except chubby. Brown hair tied in pigtails, wearing blue pyjamas with starfish on them. She was sat up on her bed, the covers thrown off.
‘What’s the matter sweetheart?’ Jake asked soothingly.
‘I can’t find Jumble’ Caitlin’s voice was heavy with concern, her eyes wide. A rush of love hit Jake like waves breaking on rocks. He smiled.
‘I’m sure I can find him. Where did you last see him?’
‘I can’t remember’. Jake watched as Caitlin’s eyes searched her memories, moving from side to side, scanning for an image. Trying to locate a teddy bear called Jumble.
The next 15 minutes, Jake searched up and down in every likely place to no avail. He knew getting Caitlin to sleep without Jumble would be a nightmare. Ever since it happened she had clung to that bear each night. In the early days she had slept in Jake’s bed. Eventually he decided that couldn’t go on, it wouldn’t be good for her. And besides he was ashamed of the stench on his breath. He always chewed gum of course, but it was never enough.
The jittering was too much. Jake sighed. He needed a little something just to take the edge off. He would then wash his mouth out, chew some gum, and let Caitlin sleep with him. Tomorrow they could look for Jumble together. It’s not like he’s walked off. Jake approached the freezer, opened it up and took out a bottle of vodka, poured some into a glass, and sipped without a wince. He was yet to close the freezer as a memory of earlier on in the evening came to him.
‘Neapolitan ice cream is Jumble’s favourite!’ Caitlin had argued.
‘Sorry love, but you can’t have ice cream two nights in a row, you or Jumble.’
Jake went back to the open freezer and checked the bottom drawer, and sure enough, there he was! A box of Neapolitan ice cream with a sheepish looking teddy bear with its arms clutching one side of the box. His inanimate face resembled that of child-like guilt somehow. Jake couldn’t stay mad at him though. He laughed and picked him up with one hand. The other still occupied the vodka, which he now placed down on a kitchen counter.
When Jake returned triumphantly to Caitlin’s room, she was sat exactly how he had left her. She was gently rocking herself from side to side, a curious little habit she had picked up since it happened.
‘Jumble, you’re okay!’ she exclaimed joyfully. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, as Jake sat behind her, and placed a kiss on her forehead. She placed her chin on Jumble’s head.
‘Where was he?’
‘It appears he was hungry and fancied some night-time ice cream’.
Caitlin pulled her head back, realisation dawned on her face. The expression was exactly the same as her mother’s had been when she had suddenly remembered something.
‘I left my coat behind, hang on, one sec hun…’
Jake’s chest had been stabbed with bitter ice. Just for a second. Then he smiled again.
‘Neapolitan is his favourite!’
‘Yeah I know’ Jake chuckled. ‘Go to sleep now, both of you’
Jake approached the door. Began closing it.
‘I love you Dad’.
‘I love you too’. The light slowly began to fade to nothing as the door was closing. Then blackness.
He woke up on his blanket on a cold, hard London street corner, sheltered from the elements by his cardboard box. The stray dog, he had befriended, was licking his face, as the sun pierced his weary eyes.
‘Morning Rex’.
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