By Thomas Caterer

Part 1

The old man sat on his porch. His fingers wrapped gently around a cigarette. He took in the cool, night air. There was a soft breeze, and he felt his body hairs stand up. He surveyed the street, the houses beside him, and those opposite. His eyes scanned over the neighbourhood. He raised his hand to his mouth, luxuriated in the inhalation, and blew out the smoke artfully.
‘A filthy habit, that’ remarked a voice, playfully chiding.
‘It’s all right… I plan on quitting when I’m dead’ the old man replied. He turned to his friend, cocking an eyebrow, a shadow of a smile on his face.
His friend laughed a deep, throaty laugh, and held out a hand.
‘You mind?’
The old man shook his head, fumbled in his shirt pocket, produced a cigarette, and placed it in his friend’s hand.
‘Cheers Archie.’
‘Don’t mention it’ Archie replied. ‘But one of these days you should consider starting to buy your own smokes, Panda.’

Archie had made friends with Panda about one year ago. He considered him an unusual fellow in many regards but liked him nonetheless. With his wife dead, and no children, making a new friend, with similarly few earthly connections had been a profound comfort to him. Archie still kept in touch with some pals from the construction yard. He’d started out as a bricklayer, and worked his way up to foreman. Over the years, some had moved away or passed on. Archie was getting on in years but had retained his independence, he kept fit, and played chess to keep his mind sharp.

He’d met Panda dramatically enough at a graveyard. Lashing down with rain, a crimson sunset the backdrop. Pathetic fallacy Archie had thought to himself, surprised to find himself recalling a nugget of knowledge from a high school class so long ago. He wouldn’t be likely to forget his first meeting with such a singularly peculiar individual. Black shoes appropriate for mourning. A black-and-white, vertically striped suit. A tall man, maybe 6’3’’ or about that. And his head… well his head made quite an impression being that it was the head of a panda bear. Or rather perhaps a very life-like mask. Panda had always insisted it was ‘the real deal’.
‘Fancy a bamboo shoot?’ Archie had asked at the time.
‘I’ve eaten thanks pal but I could do with a whisky or dark rum if there’s any going’ Panda had replied in a human enough sounding voice. Although there was a certain growly or scratchy edge to it and it was low in pitch.

Although Archie, typically introverted hadn’t made a habit of befriending strangers, the unique opportunity of drinking whisky with a panda-headed man was too bizarre to turn down. That evening their friendship had begun. Archie and Panda had shared a small bottle of whisky. Archie drinking it on the rocks, Panda neat. They’d spoken of life, fishing, baseball, the merits of Scotch, and Irish whiskey, and of bourbon, and compared them. They briefly touched on what had brought each of them that day to the graveyard. Although Archie wasn’t keen on a lengthy discussion about that. Finally what had sealed the deal in them becoming fast friends was when Panda rose and walked over to his chess board with the pieces set up. The board rested on a small coffee table adjacent to the television. Panda picked up a piece and switched it with another.
‘Queen on her own colour’ he called out over his shoulder.
‘Oh how embarrassing’ Archie chuckled dryly. ‘I know that of course, must have rushed to set them up’.
‘I see. The blacks are set up right after all’.
‘Fancy a game?’
Archie and Panda had played a closely contested match. Finally, Panda had declared ‘checkmate’. Archie had felt quite satisfied as his occasional opponents were usually no match for him. Well except for the girl up the road, Julia. They’d occasionally play in the park if she happened to be passing through. They had some boards set up there. She was a fairly good player. And playing chess with her reminded Archie of a different time in his life. A time less simple perhaps than now but a time he missed.

Part 2

Julia traipsed through the night market. It was eerily quiet on non-market days. And today was not a day Julia desired quiet and to be left alone with her thoughts. Today had been a day to forget but certain images kept flashing through her mind unbidden. Then she saw exactly the last person she was hoping to see. The confident, popular, and very pretty Lacey. She and her friends walked up the adjacent path to cut across where Julia had been walking. Lacey’s eyes lit up when she saw Julia, she took out her phone and began to scroll through her photos, intermittently looking up at Julia.
‘You’re so beautiful Julia’ Lacey said her voice drenched in sarcasm.
Her face formed a pout expression, a mockery of cuteness, a parody of sincerity. Casual cruelty was an everyday experience for Julia, just as omnipresent as the cockroaches that carpeted the empty night market, bustling their way between the stalls.
A grinning boy, keen to impress, called out to Julia ‘who you hooking up with at the moment, any room in your schedule for me?’
The others cackled in unison. Julia flushed red. The name calling was one thing but talk of sex made her feel particularly embarrassed. Convinced as she was that no boy would want her. Lacey looked divine. Except for the eyes Julia observed to herself those aren’t beautiful eyes. Julia made no response except to grip her backpack’s shoulder straps tightly, look intently at the ground, and to push on past them, continuing her trek home.

Julia’s parents’ eyes met each other’s. A look of concern duplicated. They’d noticed again the despondency, the heavy-lidded eyes glued to the ground.
‘Nothing much’ she’d replied to her mother’s enquiry of how her day had been. She’d attempted to inject an upbeat tone into her voice, and then dragged herself up the stairs to her room.
‘Sixteen on Sunday’ Duncan remarked to his wife. ‘Where has the time gone? It feels like yesterday she was still finger painting, and playing with her stuffed toys.’
‘Has she said what she wants to do?’ Alexa replied.
‘Dinner with us at Don Carlo’s.’
‘Nothing with her friends?’ Alexa asked, her voice rising a little higher in pitch, as her brow furrowed.
‘She just goes quiet when asked’ Duncan muttered.
‘What teenage girl just wants to have dinner with parents for her 16^th?’ Alexa shook her head as she spoke.
Duncan didn’t reply, he lifted his mug to his face to drain the remains of his tea. All the time his eyes remained fixed on the stairs his daughter had just ascended.

Julia lay on her bed reflecting on the day she’d just fled from. P.E. class had started with the usual humiliation by her curvier, and more physically mature classmates gliding about the changing room, sending sidelong glances her way along with mocking smiles. She’d been picked last for netball and spent the hour trying to avoid being noticed, staying out of the way of her teammates. Finally upon return to the changing room, Lacey and a couple of her cronies had approached Julia from behind, they’d been careful to remain silent. All of a sudden, they’d grabbed her, held her tight, and Lacey had placed a hand over her mouth.
‘Wow, great tits!’ Tiffany had chortled, as her hands had groped Julia’s small, undeveloped breasts. Julia had tried in vain to break from her classmates’ vice-like hold on her body. She hadn’t tried to say anything in protest. She knew her words were futile. She simply tried to push the girls away from her. Lacey had taken out her phone, unable to suppress her laughter as her hand flew up and down in front of Julia’s exposed abdomen, taking photos all the time. The door at the far end of the room announced its opening with a drawn-out creaking noise. The signal to Lacey and her friends to end their game. They withdrew from Julia with hurried strides and returned to their own lockers. Julia replayed the scenes in her head. Tears streamed down her face as she embraced her pillow tightly. She wondered what percentage of the school would have seen the photos of her by now. She buried her face in her pillow and felt the warmth of her tears mingle with the blood that rushed to fill her face.

Part 3

The warm sun caressed Archie’s face and neck in an almost maternal fashion. He leaned back against the stern, gripping his fishing rod. The little wooden boat swayed gently on the placid lake. Panda occupied the bow, a decidedly human hand holding his own rod. Archie freed up one of his hands to reach into his jacket pocket and retrieve a black and silver hip flask. He took a sip as he looked out over the lake, the bank, and the park in the distance beyond.
‘I’ve a perishing thirst’ Panda said softly.
‘Well, you’re in the right place then. Water’s all around’ Archie replied.
Panda chuckled. ‘You’re a right bastard aren’t you eh?’
Archie took a deep sip of his flask, smiled, replaced the cap, and gently tossed the flask over to Panda.
‘Don’t drain it all in one now, there’s a good bear.’
‘Much obliged.’
‘That’s decent Scotch. Not great but not bad mind.’
‘It’s what fishing’s all about; a decent Scotch.’
‘Well… it depends. I mean I used to bring Erica out here sometimes.’
‘Did she enjoy it?’
‘Well maybe when she was little, eventually I think she found it boring.’
‘Sure, it’s a hobby for old codgers like us, too static for someone young.’
Archie felt a tug on his rod and started to reel it in. Panda watched him from the bow, taking a sniff of the whiskey before imbibing. A moment later a small carp was dangling from the end of Archie’s rod as he beamed at it. Panda nodded his approval.
Panda and Archie remained in their boat until the sun began to set, the hip flask drained by this point. Archie was a little drunk and his speech was slurring slightly, he had rambled a little about ‘not being there’, and ‘being a proud fool’. His eyes glistened.
‘It’s no good blaming yourself still… after all these years’ Panda said in a low, soft voice. He leaned slightly towards Archie, arching his back, vacating the bow.
‘I’ve thought about finding them, the kids that tormented her. Those little shits. ‘Spose they all have kids of their own now. Not that she ever will eh?’
‘What would you do?’
‘I’d… I’d’ Archie stammered, and then suppressed a drunken hiccup. ‘I’d kill the lot of them’. He finished his sentence with his voice barely audible as he stared down into the bottom of the twilit lake.
‘Wouldn’t bring her back though, now would it?’ asked Panda, his eyes never leaving the balled up form of Archie.
‘I was never there. Never really listened. Maybe if I’d taken an interest in her life’. Archie’s voice trailed off, as he absently reached for his flask, only to pour nothing into his mouth and then dash the flask on the bottom of the boat without looking, never taking his eyes off the still waters, the fish swimming peacefully under the indifferent moon. Panda let out a sigh and leaned back once more. Archie had fallen silent. A solitary tear ran down a rough-hewn cheek.

Archie had said goodnight to Panda and then began his walk back home. The cool, brisk evening air had an invigorating quality. Archie felt himself sobering up a little. He heard voices up ahead. He wasn’t too far from his neighbourhood. He picked up the pace as he strolled down the street. The voices grew closer and he could make out what they were saying.
‘What a great body… I’ve made it my home screen’ drawled a boy’s voice.
‘Don’t make your girlfriend jealous now!’ replied a girl’s voice in a high pitch and mocking tone.
After a few more strides a group of teenagers came into view.
Julia was there, her head lowered, tears streaming down her face, her hands clutching at her backpack straps which dangled in front of her. She was attempting to walk away from the other teens at speed, but they were jogging alongside her; two girls on one side of her, two boys on the other.

Archie had always liked Julia; a quiet, unassuming girl. She dressed in quite a frumpy, reserved way which reflected her shy demeanour. Archie found her to be sweet and good-natured. He knew her to be intelligent from their time playing chess together. Not too many could get the better of him at chess with the regularity she did.

‘How did you get such a great figure, won’t you tell us?’ sneered one of the girls.
It was with some effort that Julia overcame her sobs to reply hoarsely, almost in a whisper, ‘piss off Lacey’.
Lacey’s face darkened, ‘careful now’ she warned coolly.
Archie slowly approached the group. ‘What’s all this, then?’ he asked in a hard tone.
‘Go home old man’ one of the boys jeered.
‘He looks like death’ one of the girls stated plainly almost as it to herself.
‘She your granddaughter?’ the other boy enquired.
Archie made no effort to disguise his irritation. ‘Julia happens to be a friend of mine. Now I’d advise you little shits to scarper, I’m in no mood for any nonsense.’
He’d wondered if he’d said the right thing. He observed Julia’s face blush red but truthfully he was impatient at this point and eager to get home but not before ensuring Julia was safe.
One of the boys squared up to him. They locked eyes for a moment.
‘Jason don’t’ squealed one of the girls. ‘You’ll kill him if you hit him, he’s someone’s grandpa, come on just leave it.’
At this Jason spat on the floor and wheeled around to re-join his cohorts. They walked away into the fast approaching night, the moonlight gleaming. Lacey shot back a dark look before disappearing out of sight around a corner.
‘Charming bunch’ Archie remarked. Julia was looking at her feet.

Archie and Julia stood outside Julia’s parents’ house. They’d completed the walk mostly in silence. Archie had at some points tried to strike up conversation. He’d asked about school, how her parents were, her violin practice, all he got back was monosyllabic responses, even though he knew Julia to often be eloquent in her speech, and enthusiastic on subjects she enjoyed.
‘Well thanks Archie’ Julia muttered. Her smile looked forced, not extending to her eyes. Her lips curved as though metal hooks pulled up her cheeks. Archie nodded and wished her a good night. He ambled back to his home, sobriety returning with each step. When he walked through the door, he threw his jacket on a chair with an air of habitual nonchalance. He fell into an armchair and sighed heavily. His eyes fell on a framed photo on a small, wooden desk. Reluctantly his legs straightened up as he rose and approached the desk. He lifted the photo to his eyes. A little girl was photographed beaming a broad smile and clutching a stuffed animal; a panda. He sat back down, still holding the photo. By the time the sun had risen the next morning, he was still asleep in his chair, his hand clutching the photo.

Part 4

The sun streaked over the park. A gentle gust of wind rustled leaves on the trees, there was a buzz of insects, and chirping of birds in the air. Archie felt at peace in this moment, although his mind had been occupied with concern over last evening’s events. Seeing Julia in distress had transported him back many years, and a similar feeling of uselessness had arisen again in that moment. Panda had been discussing his use of psychedelics from his youth. Archie had only been half listening. A fine cigar, and a neat scotch was enough excitement for him. The spiritual guff didn’t appeal much either. Archie had always taken pride in being a man of reason, ‘call a spade a spade,’ ‘give it to me straight’, and other such clichés. But then again he did now spend his free time, and most of his time now was free, with a humanoid creature with the head of a panda; fishing, drinking, or playing chess as they were now, so he couldn’t say anything too critical without being hypocritical. After all, so what if Panda says he’s seen mystical things after consuming certain chemicals? He saw a talking Panda every day after just a morning coffee.

Panda was toying with him at this point. Archie knew it. The way he mockingly raised a finger to his chin, pretending to be deep in thought as he twirled his knight in his hand, delaying placement. Archie was just about ready to concede defeat.
‘When you see behind the veil, you can’t unsee it, you can’t stop seeing it, and it is liberating, and it is terrifying’ Panda said.
‘It’s your move’ Archie replied.
‘Well, is there a point now… you only have your king left… why don’t we just say I’ve won and then start a new game?’ Panda suggested.
‘You haven’t won yet. Not till checkmate’ Archie insisted.
‘You’re just afraid to stop playing.’
‘Maybe, you’re just a sore winner. Toying with your opponent. Like a predator teasing its prey, playing with its food before the jaw closes.’
‘I just eat bamboo mate. No prey for me. You’re just a sore loser.’
‘No, no, I admit I’ve lost.’
Panda sighed. He leaned back against his chair and placed his hands behind his head in a relaxed posture.
‘Does it have to be terrifying?’ Archie asked.
‘Well maybe not terrifying… but the unknown is always scary right? But it can be peaceful too’ Panda replied, as he moved a rook.
‘Oh look you’ve won’ Archie declared.
‘I wanted to say ‘checkmate’.’
‘Then say it bitch’ Archie teased.
Panda laughed and then replied, ‘fuck you pal, not my fault you stink at chess, I wanted to play backgammon anyway.’
Archie grinned as he started to pick up the pieces and put them away.
‘Let me hold a smoke’ Panda said.
‘Not one of my cigars you don’t.’ 
‘A cigarette is fine.’

As the afternoon whiled away, the sun reached its peak blaring down on the people in the park. Panda said farewell as Archie was putting away the pieces after yet another match. As he was doing so he caught sight of Julia cutting through the park. He raised his hand to wave her over, catching her eye, he smiled encouragingly. She shyly smiled back, and approached the board and chairs.
‘You have time for a game?’ Archie asked.
‘Sure.’ Julia replied, and pulled out a chair.
‘Those classmates of yours were real charmers.’
‘Yeah well you know… it’s not that bad. They were just messing around I guess.’
Archie set up black pieces on his side of the board, having handed over the white pieces to Julia. Julia made her opening move. 
‘My Erica had trouble at school too. When she was your age. Same kinda thing, not getting on with her classmates’ Archie said.
‘Oh I didn’t know you had a daughter.’
‘Yeah, well she’s gone now.’
‘She moved?’
‘Yeah she moved away, but my point is that kind of trouble, it’s not uncommon.’
‘Right, of course.’
‘Well, when she was your age, I was always busy, trying to provide for my family, working all the hours God sent.’
Julia claimed one of Archie’s pawns with her knight.
‘Oh I didn’t see it coming’ said Archie.
‘Don’t worry, still lots to play for’ laughed Julia.

Part 5

Archie could feel the sun’s rays penetrating through his curtains. His back ached a little, his joints felt stiff. He turned to one side then the other, and finally conceded he should get up. Archie rose from his bed and entered the bathroom. He took up his toothbrush and applied toothpaste. He turned on the tap to put a little water on his brush. He lifted his eyes to the small mirror above the sink. He paused. His mind went blank. He didn’t know what to think. He dropped his toothbrush into the sink, the tap was left running. He put his hands to his face and felt the softness caress his fingertips. He started to panic.

Looking back at him from his mirror was, well there was pretty much no denying it, it was a panda. Or at least it was a panda’s head. Archie’s body was still that of an old human man wearing his pyjamas. His head however was that of a panda bear’s. He pulled at, tugged at it, yanked at it, you name it. His mind raced with thoughts along the lines of this is insane, this can’t be, I will wake up soon, and this isn’t really happening! Life was strange, Archie had lived long enough, and experienced enough in life to know this to be true. He calmed himself with long, slow, heavy breaths. He decided to get dressed. He would simply go to a hospital and explain the situation. So far as he could understand it himself at least. Archie walked over to his wardrobe and threw it open. As he inspected the inside of it, he decided to dress smartly. For whatever reason, he could not fully explain it himself, he was drawn to an old suit he hadn’t worn in a long time. In fact he wasn’t even sure if he could remember ever having worn it, or when he bought it. It was a black and white, vertically striped suit. After putting this on, he put on a pair of black, formal shoes, and wrapped an old watch around his wrist. He found a pack of smokes and a lighter, and tucked them away in his shirt pocket. Finally he stepped out of his front door, wondering how on earth his neighbours would react to his new, absurd appearance, or if they’d even recognise him at all.

Archie felt his frustration mount as he stood at the side of the road, waving to taxi after taxi as they drove past. I’m not exactly hard to spot he thought to himself. Another taxi approached, the red light in the windscreen indicating its availability. Archie was jumping up and down with impatience at this point, as the taxi drove on by, paying him no mind. After getting no luck, Archie just decided to bike down to the hospital after all. He walked back to his house and took his bicycle from his shed. By the time he arrived at the hospital, he was covered in sweat, his big furry black and white head had absorbed the sun’s rays, and he was now perspiring something rotten.

Archie approached the front desk. ‘Hello miss, I guess I don’t need to explain what the problem is’ Archie joked, gesturing to his panda head.
The receptionist kept her head down looking at her computer screen, and occasionally at a folder on her desk.
‘Well, as you can see, something strange has happened, I’m not sure what department I’ll need!’
Still no response. Eventually the receptionist looked up, but she looked right through him and greeted the person behind him. This patient was about to walk into Archie but as they felt something in front of them they could not see, a presence, they felt obligated though they could not explain why, to walk around that space, and to stand to the side a little as they spoke to the receptionist. This way Archie had not been walked into. He was beginning to feel panic rise in him again. He thought of his friend Panda. Come to think of it, had he ever seen him speaking to anybody else? Archie walked into the middle of the waiting area. He waved his hands up and down, and back and forth energetically.
‘Can anybody see me?! Can anybody hear me?!’
Nothing. The waiting patients continued to sit there, scanning their phones, reading their books, or talking amongst themselves. They paid no heed to Archie’s appeals for their attention. I’ll have to find him, he must know what’s going on, he’s my only real hope.

Part 6

Archie searched all along the park, checked at every chess board, every table, and every bench. A couple of butterflies fluttered up to his enlarged head, he walked by carefully, moving his head aside. The sun beat down remorselessly on him. Why on earth had he put on a bloody suit? He scanned the park one last time. He then walked down towards the lake. No one was there. Except he could just make out a small fishing boat at the far end of the lake. He jumped up and down, waving his arms. The boat started to move towards him. As it did he could make out the form of a man dressed just like himself, complete with a panda head not dissimilar to his own.

Finally Panda made landfall. He stood up in the boat, holding his fishing rod in one hand, he gave a salute with the other.
‘Well met!’ he greeted Archie cheerfully.
‘Panda, you’ve got to help me. I don’t understand what’s happening. I wake up this morning with a panda head like yours, I try to go to the hospital, but everyone ignores me, they look right through me! I couldn’t even hail a cab!’
‘Ah yes, well of course.’
‘Of course?’
‘Well, you’re dead mate.’
‘Enough of the jokes. Do I look dead?’
‘Do you know what ‘dead’ looks like?’
‘I know what a corpse looks like.’
‘Well, yours will be found. Don’t worry about that. With a human head and everything.’
‘Listen here, this isn’t funny. If I’m dead how come I’m talking to you?’
‘You won’t linger here long. You can be seen only by those who need to see you. You’ve been given a chance to do something useful before you pass on. You can make the most of this opportunity.’
‘There’s a job I need to do?’
‘Yes, that’s right. You’re unretired for one day, you could say.’
‘What am I supposed to do?’
‘I’d tell you if I knew.’ Panda’s voice was sympathetic. ‘Just follow where your feet take you. You can trust them.’
With that their conversation ended. Panda pushed his boat back out onto the lake, and resumed his afternoon’s fishing. Archie felt deflated. His furry head hung low. He reluctantly drifted back home, kicking scattered stones along the way. His hands were buried in the pockets of his suit trousers. He wandered around his neighbourhood, past the playground, the off-licence, and the convenience store owned by an old couple. The sun had set, and the cicadas had begun their song. He walked past his own house, the local newsagent, and the homes of some neighbours he was friendly with including a couple of old boys he drank and played darts with. All the while inspiration had still been yet to strike him.

Archie’s footsteps led him to outside Julia’s house. He wondered if she would be inside with her parents now, perhaps having dinner. He looked down at his watch and was shocked to find it was 2am. Time had flown by. Over the cry of the cicadas he could just make out a gentle humming sound. He walked up the driveway and found the source of the noise. It was Julia’s parents’ car. The engine was humming along peacefully, the windows were fogged, and a hosepipe ran along from the car’s exhaust and snaked its way into the front interior of the car. Sitting in the driver’s seat, appearing to be asleep, her head slumped against the headrest, was Julia. Archie said a silent prayer to himself that she was just asleep. He walked along carefully to the back of the car, his eyes on Julia the whole time. He opened up the door and sat on the backseat. He coughed. Julia remained still. He coughed again louder. Julia stirred a little, her drowsiness starting to loosen its grip. She looked into the rear-view mirror. She did a double-take. There was a delay in her reaction as she let the truth of what she was seeing sink in. Alertness awoke in her, and panic replaced the sluggish feeling she’d woken up with. A rush of adrenaline was followed by one long, high-pitched scream of terror. She looked back and the sight she’d seen in miniature in the rear-view mirror was now writ large behind her. Sitting on the backseat of her parents’ car was a humanoid figure with the furry head of a panda.
It spoke, ‘Sorry to frighten you.’
Julia screamed again. She fumbled until she found the handle to the car door, and threw it open and ran out. Archie left the car through the door on the opposite side to the one he’d entered through. He followed Julia at a sprint. He was surprised to find his legs had such vigour all of a sudden. An old strength had returned. He chased Julia past the garage, and through the gate in the little wooden fence. They were in Julia’s backyard.
‘Why are you scared? I’m just a cute panda right?’ Archie asked.
Julia turned around, her face was flushed red. She had run to the middle of the backyard with no clear plan in mind. She looked at him in the eyes. Incredulous that this thing could talk.

Archie tentatively stepped towards Julia. He gestured to a wooden bench at the far end of the garden.
‘Why not take a seat? Let’s talk.’
‘W-why should I?’
‘Okay, so if I’m not cute, then I’m scary. A big scary bear, and I’ve gone off bamboo. I’ve gone carnivorous. So if you don’t humour me, I’m going to eat you. How about that?’
Julia stared at Archie, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. She didn’t say anything.
‘Okay it’s a bad joke. Just sit down okay? What, you got other plans?’
Slowly Julia turned around on the spot and shuffled towards the bench. She took a seat. Archie sat beside her. He felt for his smokes. He took one out of the packet, lit it up, and began to inhale.
‘Can I have one?’ Julia asked timidly, her eyes fixed on the lit cigarette.
‘Nah, I don’t think so’ Archie replied. ‘It’s a filthy habit. I said I’d quit myself once I’m dead but I guess I lied.’
Archie took a puff and leaned back on the bench. ‘You ran away from me then. Why? You wanted to die anyway right? Why bother running from something you think might be dangerous?’
‘I must be dreaming this.’
‘I was thinking the same earlier today. I thought it once before. Once before I was in a waking nightmare. I just desperately wanted to wake up from it. But I never could. I came home one day. And my daughter, who I loved more than anything… Well, water had flooded the top floor. Once I kicked down the bathroom door, I found her in the tub, her wrists slashed open. The water was a dirty red; part copper, part crimson.’
Archie stopped talking. He took a deep, cleansing breath of the cool night air. His hands were shaking a little.
‘I’m so sorry’ Julia said in a small voice.
‘I guess I always felt guilty. Perhaps if I had been more present, listened more… I’d have seen some kind of warning sign. I felt like I’d let her down, and so I could never wake up from the nightmare because living in that nightmare for the rest of my life was a just punishment for me.’
His hands continued to shake until Julia reached out and took his empty hand in one of her own and squeezed it. His mind was transported back in time. He saw himself holding Erica when she was a small child. They sat on an armchair together. He read a story to her as she clutched at her stuffed panda toy. Her little hand holding onto his free hand, whilst his other one held the book open. He could feel her hand close around his. He could her breathing softly. Then he was back on this wooden bench in this cool night, hearing the cicadas once more.

Archie turned his head to face Julia. ‘It seems to me like you still have an instinct to preserve your life. Maybe you’re not done here yet.’
‘I don’t know… It could still be an escape.’
‘Well I’ve died. And I don’t think I’ve escaped, or solved all my problems. In fact I was even given another job to do, even after all these years being retired’ Archie said. ‘I think I might be close to being done, and ready to leave on my terms, and on good terms for that matter. But I think if I found my way to you in that car just now, when I could have wandered anywhere… I think you’re not done with this world yet. Just a hunch.’
‘When I turned around and saw you there. I was scared. I did think ‘I don’t want to die’. But is that the same as ‘I want to live’?’
‘Maybe not but it’s a start’.
Julia looked down at her feet and sighed.
‘I want to move on Julia. But I don’t think I can until I get you to promise you aren’t going to try anything like that again. Will you help me?’
‘It’s a struggle to carry on.’
‘You’re stronger than you realise, you’ve come this far. And tonight you overcame your fear of me, to talk to me, to listen to what I needed to say. Things change, all times come to pass; good times, and bad times. What you’re going through now will eventually become memory. Don’t let it force you to do something rash. That memory will be a part of a larger tapestry of your life that will have been worth preserving and adding to, you’ll see. Perhaps even the darker memories will serve to make the lighter ones shine brighter.’
They sat together in silence for a while. A tear rolled down Julia’s face as she stared determinedly into the night. Archie had smoked his cigarette down to a butt. He dropped it and stamped on it.
‘Okay’ Julia whispered, ‘I promise’.
Archie held up his hand with his pinkie finger jutting out. Julia wrapped her own pinkie around it.
‘Promise?’ Archie asked.
‘I promise’ Julia replied a little louder, and more firmly than the first time.

Archie picked up the cigarette butt and walked to the front yard and slipped it into the bin. He then removed the hose from the exhaust and rolled it up. Julia turned off the engine and closed the car door. Archie took off his watch. He walked over to Julia and gestured for her to hold out her arm. He put the watch on her. ‘I just thought’ he said, ‘I don’t just want you to wake up tomorrow and think that was all a dream, and that you aren’t held to your promise.’
‘You don’t trust me?’ Julia asked, the shadow of a smile playing on her face.
‘No, I do. Keep it anyway. It’s late.’
‘Yeah it is.’
‘Goodnight Julia.’
‘Goodnight Panda, thanks for tonight’ Julia whispered. Her smile was faint but natural, extending to her eyes.

Archie walked up the street, he looked back to see Julia waving at him with a gentle hint of peacefulness in her expression. He waved back, and watched as she entered the front door to her house and closed it behind her. A heavy burden was being lifted from his shoulders as he walked. He felt himself becoming lighter and lighter. He felt as if a thick, heavy, rain-sodden coat was being lifted off him, and as though tight shoelaces were being undone. He eagerly raised his hands to his head. He felt some give in the panda head. Now simply a mask, it yielded and came off in his hands. Archie’s face and head were human once more, and he held the panda mask under one arm as he walked along the street. A grin spread across his face. He greedily breathed in deep gulfs of air and blew them back out again. He felt free. Gradually his body dissipated into the night-time mist; his human form, and even the panda head with it. Then there was just the air, the cool night breeze, and the song of the cicadas.